identity | the artist way week 2 field notes
recovering a sense of identity
Chapter 2 of the artist way is about identity. Bitch, I've been identity shifting for the last three years. What you know about it.
with a sense of safety locked in, you’re able to start unearthing your sense of identity.
identity is the inner self resurfacing… once you stop abandoning her.
open essaythe artist way: identity ✿ pt 2 field notesthe artist way vlog: identity | pt 2 ✿ creative healing video diary
⋆ ⋆˙⊹ identity loading ⊹˙⋆ ⋆
opening file
what if it was just the people, places, panic, and performance around me that made me forget?
inner parts
i was given permission to explore inner parts of myself that i had stopped listening to long ago... like my inner artist and inner child… the lil’ artist internet girl who just wanted to code broken Neopets pet page layouts all day. enter: internal family systems.
field note girl notices the mushrooms.
my inner child takes their photo.
are we safe? can we relax? can we play?
cries and blames myself, shames myself.
that girl was awesome, why have I been ignoring her?!?!
water and crafts is all a spirituality siren art hoe needs~
imaginary lives are inner parts
fallback_link.urlopen essayimaginary_lives_are_inner_parts.substack
dinner table note
the way she described it to me is I have many parts of my self, and they’re all sitting at the dinner table with me.
field note explorer secret clubhouse inner child girl inner self is surfacing.
mushroom energy
identity wasn’t missing. it was underground, waiting for better weather
mushroom_energy.pngaudio field note
fallback_link.urlopen audio field noteunderground file
the very first thing I remember noticing in week 2? monday daytime walk: bam. mushroom ring. and then suddenly? mushrooms everywhere, all week.
I was fully enamored by the romance of stumbling on none of these shrooms just days ago, walking the same spots… as they were hiding underground!
seeing the mushrooms made me soooo happy like real life whimsy just manifesting in real time.
no forced “new me who dis,” announcement needed. just a return to mindfulness, a return to my innermost parts.
identity can emerge as multiple different inner parts, when the body stops using all its capacity just to survive the day.
synchronicity questions
- what keeps appearing in my life like a tiny symbol?
- what does emergence look like when it is small, quiet, and real?
- what wants to emerge now that the ground is safer?
yellow keeps finding me
welcome to my highlighter theory.
highlighter_theory.pnggolden yellows, creams, off-whites, and the color of butter have all been following me around this week.
pastel signals of the universe waving their hands at me, encouraging me to keep going.
butter yellow and natural creams feels like stability and safety to me.
brighter yellows feel whimsical, like the sun on a summer day...
my highlighter theory ::
synchronicity moments are where the universe is reaching out it’s invisible helping hands and highlighting the important thing for you to notice… like an highlighter marker, annotating right on your life for you, to make you pay attention.
it made me realize synchronicities don’t exist to only give me full on answers. they often simply exist just to get my attention.
sometimes the thing being highlighted is an opportunity, or a relationship, or grief, or joy, or proof of growth. sometimes it’s proof i’m simply paying attention again. a small little pat on the back, good girl.
any signs of growth and change have me immediately feeling a type of way. i’m paying so much attention to small, unserious things in life lately.
for me lately? it’s been the color yellow. yellow flowers, yellowish mushrooms, yellow accents sprinkled all throughout my life lately in surprising ways.
but for you? it becomes a philosophy you can borrow:
Highlighter Theory is the idea that life has a way of repeatedly drawing your attention to what you're ready to notice life naturally highlighting for you. realize that the repetition is the message.
realization
being liked is not the same as being seen
a very rude identity lesson
my brain kept telling me i had to hold the weight of looking sane, and put together, and intelligent, and professional, and happy, and smiling, and bubbly, and calm and reflective, and gentle… constantly over functioning to be liked and accepted and welcomed and heard and seen.
but it took looking at the mushrooms for me to realize i’m not. i’m not seen. people only see themselves.
instead, i was just a mirror.
being liked because i’m resourceful isn’t the same thing as being really, truly seen and witnessed.
who am I when I stop trying to just be easy to love?
click to toggle
sometimes “being understanding” to a fault is just self-erasure in disguise.
i am meant to be more than a doormat, a pathological people pleaser, my entire life.
chapter tasks
recovering_a_sense_of_identity.audit
status card archive
task_01.txtstatus: ✗ skippedRead the Basic Principles every morning and night. Notice any shifts in your attitude or beliefs.
task_02.txtstatus: ✔ completedAudit where your time goes. Separate wants vs. shoulds, create a support circle, and identify who or what protects (or drains) your creative autonomy.
task_03.txtstatus: ✔ completedList 20 things you enjoy doing and note the last time you did each one.
task_04.txtstatus: ✔ completedChoose 2 favorite activities from that list you've been avoiding and do them this week in small pockets of time.
task_05.txtstatus: ✔ completedRevisit your Week 1 affirmations. Choose 3 that resonate most and write them 5 times each day in your Morning Pages.
task_06.txtstatus: ✔ completedReturn to your Imaginary Lives list. Add 5 more lives and find small ways to live pieces of them now.
task_07.txtstatus: ✔ completedCreate a Life Pie (spirituality, exercise, play, work, friends, romance/adventure, etc.) to see where your life feels balanced or neglected.task_08.txtstatus: ✗ skippedMake a list of 10 tiny changes you'd like to make for yourself.
task_10.txtstatus: ✔ completedDo it.field notes
identity fragments / tiny observations / week 02 artifacts
week 02 photo wall
on my morning walk
media journal notes
spirituality siren at it again
no quotes, just coffee
i would die for this birdtiny observations
what tiny symbols keep finding me lately?
what place, person, habit, or version of myself helps me remember who i am?
what wants to emerge now that the ground is safer?
safety | the artist way week 1 field notes
recovering a sense of safety: coming back home to myself
this is not my first time with this book lol. i’ve lived with morning pages for over a decade now, completed the full 12-week artist’s way journey twice before, and reread the book enough times that parts of it are basically etched into my brain forever. 😭
when i first saw the substack girlies starting the artist’s way again, i ignored it at first because babe… i literally JUST did this last year.
but somehow here i am again.
this time feels different though. less “creative self-help bootcamp” and more like a scavenger hunt for synchronicity, softness, wonder, and nervous system healing. i’m reconnecting with the part of myself that used to code neopets petpages, roleplay wolves online at 2am, and romanticize tiny details like flowers on sidewalks or sunlight on lake water.
so this website is basically my little field notes archive now. 💛
the artist way vlog: safety | pt 1 ✿ creative healing video diary
this week’s synchronicity
a tiny evidence folder of weird timing, lake magic, yellow flowers, internet diary portals, and nervous system safety slowly coming back online.
- yellow flowers appearing during stormy walks RIGHT after u decided yellow = alignment/synchronicity ??? okay subtle universe. 🌼
- moving into the new apartment by the lake and suddenly being able to BREATHE deeply again like ur body was waiting for environmental safety permissions.exe to install.
- the artist’s way re-entering ur life exactlyy when ur nervous system started unclenching enough to actually feel joy again… suspicious behavior from the universe lol
- substack randomly becoming ur new digital sanctuary after facebook emotionally flashbanged ur nervous system for years. tumblr daughter reincarnation arc activated.
- realizing “The Artist’s Way” makes WAY more sense through IFS + Maslow’s hierarchy than christian girlboss spirituality… and immediately becoming less reactive to it. therapist brain unlocked. 🔓
- ur inner child literally communicating through AOL instant messenger roleplay dialogue format because apparently healing must occur in 2007 internet typography only.
- my dog loving the 1.5 mile lake loop and basically becoming ur tiny off-leash spirit guide while u collect abandoned flowers like some whimsical scavenger witch.
- wet grass going from “ew sensory nightmare” to “romantic cinematic main character texture” = confirmed nervous system healing milestone.
- repeatedly noticing birds, ducks, flowers, sunlight reflections, lake ripples, and tiny details ONLY after deciding presence mattered more than productivity. the love really IS in the details. 😭
- writing letters to urself with stickers and goodies like a 2000s penpal girl and realizing u are literally reparenting ur younger self through whimsy. insane behavior. adorable behavior.
chapter one in the rain / new beginnings file
field notes: tiny observations through the week
field_notes_walk_01.png
nervous_system_zine_01.png
diaries from the field
- lilac clouds at sunrise making the entire morning feel soft instead of ominous for once.
- realizing the dock journaling ritual stopped feeling “productive” and started feeling sacred.
- noticing how humidity felt alive and grounding instead of suffocating because i wasn’t trapped indoors spiraling anymore.
- hearing audiobook narration become a comforting background cadence to my life instead of mental noise.
- feeling my legs ache after the lake walk and interpreting it as evidence of living instead of exhaustion.
- discovering that movement + journaling at the same time keeps my nervous system from turning walks into chores.
- noticing my body relax once i stopped treating creativity like homework i needed to pass.
- the emotional difference between “performing calmness” and actually feeling calmness in my body.
- recognizing how often i used to monitor myself socially instead of experiencing the actual moment.
- feeling weirdly emotional over tiny abandoned trail flowers because someone else overlooked beauty and i didn’t.
- the sensory comfort of sitting inside afterward with damp skin, cold air conditioning, and lake views all at once.
- realizing my inner child sounds playful and expressive while my inner manager sounds exhausted and defensive.
- observing that my skepticism softened the second i gave myself permission to reinterpret spirituality in my own language.
- the strange relief of laughing at parts of the book instead of forcing myself to revere every word.
- noticing that “safety” keeps appearing as the hidden root underneath creativity, friendship, spirituality, and productivity.
- feeling how much easier presence becomes when i stop trying to optimize every second of my life.
- recognizing that whimsy returns naturally when my nervous system no longer thinks it’s under attack.
- the tiny joy spike from someone casually saying “i might do the artist’s way with you” without obligation or pressure attached.
- realizing i feel more emotionally seen by diary entries, poetry, and symbolic observations lately than by constant social commentary online.
- noticing how much gentler my thoughts become when i’m near water.
- feeling my body physically reject “forced inspiration” but respond instantly to curiosity and play.
- understanding that part of my healing is learning the difference between isolation and peaceful solitude.
- the realization that my creative voice gets louder the second i stop trying to sound impressive.
- noticing that tiny rituals repeated daily are making my nervous system trust me again.
field notes photo gallery
tiny_notebook.png
purple_pen_notes.png
chapter_one_task.png
monster_hall_censored.png
whats_in_my_bag.png
journaling_spot.png
monster hall
a chapter task was to create a Monster Hall of Shame… a historical nemesis and vices. here’s mine. ft. a lifetime of relational pain.
chapter tasks
recovering_a_sense_of_safety.audit
status card archive
✧ task: make a list of people who made you feel creative, encouraged, seen, or inspired
status: ✗ avoided because vulnerability jumpscare
state: grieving the realization that i often felt more emotionally seen by old internet strangers than people physically around me
✧ task: make a list of the people/events that made creativity feel embarrassing, unsafe, cringe, or “not good enough”
status: ✔ completed
state: realizing my nervous system has been masking so long it started mistaking hypervigilance for personality
✧ task: write an unsent letter to one of those people
status: ✔ completed
state: freshly realizing i was trying to survive, not communicate perfectly
✧ task: write affirmations, then notice all the mean little “blurts” your brain immediately throws back
status: ✔ unfortunately 😭
state: catching my inner critic trying to turn softness into danger in real time
✧ task: list alternate dream lives you secretly wish you could live
status: ✗ currently buffering
state: slowly realizing my dream life might literally just be safety, whimsy, softness, creativity, and peace
✧ task: try embodying one of those lives in a tiny way this week
status: ✔ completed
state: spirituality siren writing essays dockside with tiny cameras and iced coffee like the retired tumblr-girl i am
✧ task: reconnect with childhood creative memories, toys, games, interests, aesthetics
status: ✔ completed
state: ex-neopets html tutorial child emotionally resurrected from the dead
✧ task: remember moments where creativity felt joyful and alive
status: ✔ completed
state: grieving how much softer and more playful i used to feel before survival mode took over
✧ task: acknowledge moments where creativity got hurt or shut down
status: ✔ completed
state: realizing overfunctioning became a personality trait because i thought safety had to be earned
✧ task: audit your environment and relationships: who expands you vs drains you?
status: ✔ completed with side effects
state: grieving friendships while simultaneously feeling calmer, lighter, safer, and more emotionally alive without them
nikki’s diary
saved by nostalgia
- ♡ was having an existential crisis. then decided instead to read poetry and diary entries on substack.
- ♡ honestly, discovering substack this week has been a joy. i just scroll my fyp & the creative magic simply finds me, effortlessly.
- ♡ i re-disocvered an interest in indie personal mini zines.
- ♡ parts of myself I’m reconnecting with are my Internet, teenage tumblr girl era of Y2K digitalcore tortured poet child self… the one who played neopets. and learned how to code her pet pages website with a neopets HTML tutorial.
- ♡ identity flash back: young internet girl little Nikki? social asf. bubbly, kind, curious, empathetic, cheeky, fun, lighthearted. not so freaking serious.
cognitive behavioral affirmations
- ♡ blocking was dramatic.
- ♡ i let myself get so hurt by the world.
- ♡ i abandoned myself for 20 years to please others and be liked.
- ♡ some environments made my nervous system feel like it had to audition for safety.
- ♡ i reacted from pain, but pain does not make me irredeemable.
- ♡ the playful version of me still exists underneath the masking.
- ♡ people pleasing kept me safe once, but i do not have to abandon myself forever.
- ♡ i deserve environments where my nervous system can unclench naturally.
zine
click to read my 1st zine or something →
nervous_system_field_notes_zine.pdf
zine note
substack inspired me to create my first zine in two days. imperfect as hell but you know what I did learn? how to do it better next time.
pinned zine page gallery
making folder
making things that do not need to be monetized.
side quests, hobbies, creating, blogging, writing.
all i wanna do is vibe code personal website projects from my the artist way book tasks. i just wanna chase this dopamine.