may ✿ digital garden ✿ 🌷
may finds, soft internet scraps, artist way spirals, and tiny proofs of life.
welcome to my may digital garden...
this is where i’m keeping the links, photos, essays, colors, screenshots, tiny internet finds, and soft little visual crumbs that made may feel more alive.
i missed when the internet felt like a place you could decorate, wander through, collect things inside of, and quietly become obsessed with for no practical reason.
nothing here needs to be finished because this is a garden, not a thesis. some things are blooming. some things are compost. some things are just here because they made me feel something for five minutes.
voice filter: show the artifact first. hint at the feeling second. one tiny wink if it fits.
♻️ visual compost bin
tiny visual references that kept following me around in may. aesthetic, emotional evidence, pretty compost.
✿ may rumination ✿
unfinished thoughts, open loops, and the tabs my brain kept returning to. tiny, not thesis.
bad art
permission to make it anyway.
open 🐦interest-driven life
curiosity as compass.
open 🎨inner artist
artist way rabbit hole.
open 📷photo note
stabilizing reality softly.
open ✨spark?
joy after survival mode.
open 🌿slow living
softness beyond buying things.
open 📝principles
rules that feel lived.
open 🌀visual note
kept scratching my brain.
open 🗂️younger self folder
soft ache, old photo energy.
open 🔖saved to read later
a tab for future wandering.
openrediscovered fragments
old websites, tiny tools, pixel buttons, copy-paste symbols, and handmade corners of the web.
✿ flower symbols
one tiny symbol, whole direction.
visit →★ neopets
some portals never close.
visit →font copy/paste
decorative text matters.
visit →make internet fun
decorated room, not stage.
open →website roundup
tiny worlds, shiny rocks.
open →vampire lore
spiritually important.
open →11:11 ✨
life winking back.
open →funny little note
internet humor as archive.
open →old-school dollmaker
sacred internet girl history.
open →pub luv
publication love from the month: favorite substacks, writers, and soft little internet rooms i kept wanting to revisit.
whimsically written
soft corner of substack.
visit ☁️brain fluff
gentle, not empty.
visit 🛏️internet bedroom
the name belongs here.
visit 🌙jell nightfall
tiny magic tab.
visit ✍️elisabeth zook
saved to wander.
visitquiet archive energy. wandering, not debating.
safety | the artist way week 1 field notes
recovering a sense of safety: coming back home to myself
this is not my first time with this book lol. i’ve lived with morning pages for over a decade now, completed the full 12-week artist’s way journey twice before, and reread the book enough times that parts of it are basically etched into my brain forever. 😭
when i first saw the substack girlies starting the artist’s way again, i ignored it at first because babe… i literally JUST did this last year.
but somehow here i am again.
this time feels different though. less “creative self-help bootcamp” and more like a scavenger hunt for synchronicity, softness, wonder, and nervous system healing. i’m reconnecting with the part of myself that used to code neopets petpages, roleplay wolves online at 2am, and romanticize tiny details like flowers on sidewalks or sunlight on lake water.
so this website is basically my little field notes archive now. 💛
the artist way vlog: safety | pt 1 ✿ creative healing video diary
this week’s synchronicity
a tiny evidence folder of weird timing, lake magic, yellow flowers, internet diary portals, and nervous system safety slowly coming back online.
- yellow flowers appearing during stormy walks RIGHT after u decided yellow = alignment/synchronicity ??? okay subtle universe. 🌼
- moving into the new apartment by the lake and suddenly being able to BREATHE deeply again like ur body was waiting for environmental safety permissions.exe to install.
- the artist’s way re-entering ur life exactlyy when ur nervous system started unclenching enough to actually feel joy again… suspicious behavior from the universe lol
- substack randomly becoming ur new digital sanctuary after facebook emotionally flashbanged ur nervous system for years. tumblr daughter reincarnation arc activated.
- realizing “The Artist’s Way” makes WAY more sense through IFS + Maslow’s hierarchy than christian girlboss spirituality… and immediately becoming less reactive to it. therapist brain unlocked. 🔓
- ur inner child literally communicating through AOL instant messenger roleplay dialogue format because apparently healing must occur in 2007 internet typography only.
- my dog loving the 1.5 mile lake loop and basically becoming ur tiny off-leash spirit guide while u collect abandoned flowers like some whimsical scavenger witch.
- wet grass going from “ew sensory nightmare” to “romantic cinematic main character texture” = confirmed nervous system healing milestone.
- repeatedly noticing birds, ducks, flowers, sunlight reflections, lake ripples, and tiny details ONLY after deciding presence mattered more than productivity. the love really IS in the details. 😭
- writing letters to urself with stickers and goodies like a 2000s penpal girl and realizing u are literally reparenting ur younger self through whimsy. insane behavior. adorable behavior.
chapter one in the rain / new beginnings file
field notes: tiny observations through the week
field_notes_walk_01.png
nervous_system_zine_01.png
diaries from the field
- lilac clouds at sunrise making the entire morning feel soft instead of ominous for once.
- realizing the dock journaling ritual stopped feeling “productive” and started feeling sacred.
- noticing how humidity felt alive and grounding instead of suffocating because i wasn’t trapped indoors spiraling anymore.
- hearing audiobook narration become a comforting background cadence to my life instead of mental noise.
- feeling my legs ache after the lake walk and interpreting it as evidence of living instead of exhaustion.
- discovering that movement + journaling at the same time keeps my nervous system from turning walks into chores.
- noticing my body relax once i stopped treating creativity like homework i needed to pass.
- the emotional difference between “performing calmness” and actually feeling calmness in my body.
- recognizing how often i used to monitor myself socially instead of experiencing the actual moment.
- feeling weirdly emotional over tiny abandoned trail flowers because someone else overlooked beauty and i didn’t.
- the sensory comfort of sitting inside afterward with damp skin, cold air conditioning, and lake views all at once.
- realizing my inner child sounds playful and expressive while my inner manager sounds exhausted and defensive.
- observing that my skepticism softened the second i gave myself permission to reinterpret spirituality in my own language.
- the strange relief of laughing at parts of the book instead of forcing myself to revere every word.
- noticing that “safety” keeps appearing as the hidden root underneath creativity, friendship, spirituality, and productivity.
- feeling how much easier presence becomes when i stop trying to optimize every second of my life.
- recognizing that whimsy returns naturally when my nervous system no longer thinks it’s under attack.
- the tiny joy spike from someone casually saying “i might do the artist’s way with you” without obligation or pressure attached.
- realizing i feel more emotionally seen by diary entries, poetry, and symbolic observations lately than by constant social commentary online.
- noticing how much gentler my thoughts become when i’m near water.
- feeling my body physically reject “forced inspiration” but respond instantly to curiosity and play.
- understanding that part of my healing is learning the difference between isolation and peaceful solitude.
- the realization that my creative voice gets louder the second i stop trying to sound impressive.
- noticing that tiny rituals repeated daily are making my nervous system trust me again.
field notes photo gallery
tiny_notebook.png
purple_pen_notes.png
chapter_one_task.png
monster_hall_censored.png
whats_in_my_bag.png
journaling_spot.png
monster hall
a chapter task was to create a Monster Hall of Shame… a historical nemesis and vices. here’s mine. ft. a lifetime of relational pain.
chapter tasks
recovering_a_sense_of_safety.audit
status card archive
✧ task: make a list of people who made you feel creative, encouraged, seen, or inspired
status: ✗ avoided because vulnerability jumpscare
state: grieving the realization that i often felt more emotionally seen by old internet strangers than people physically around me
✧ task: make a list of the people/events that made creativity feel embarrassing, unsafe, cringe, or “not good enough”
status: ✔ completed
state: realizing my nervous system has been masking so long it started mistaking hypervigilance for personality
✧ task: write an unsent letter to one of those people
status: ✔ completed
state: freshly realizing i was trying to survive, not communicate perfectly
✧ task: write affirmations, then notice all the mean little “blurts” your brain immediately throws back
status: ✔ unfortunately 😭
state: catching my inner critic trying to turn softness into danger in real time
✧ task: list alternate dream lives you secretly wish you could live
status: ✗ currently buffering
state: slowly realizing my dream life might literally just be safety, whimsy, softness, creativity, and peace
✧ task: try embodying one of those lives in a tiny way this week
status: ✔ completed
state: spirituality siren writing essays dockside with tiny cameras and iced coffee like the retired tumblr-girl i am
✧ task: reconnect with childhood creative memories, toys, games, interests, aesthetics
status: ✔ completed
state: ex-neopets html tutorial child emotionally resurrected from the dead
✧ task: remember moments where creativity felt joyful and alive
status: ✔ completed
state: grieving how much softer and more playful i used to feel before survival mode took over
✧ task: acknowledge moments where creativity got hurt or shut down
status: ✔ completed
state: realizing overfunctioning became a personality trait because i thought safety had to be earned
✧ task: audit your environment and relationships: who expands you vs drains you?
status: ✔ completed with side effects
state: grieving friendships while simultaneously feeling calmer, lighter, safer, and more emotionally alive without them
nikki’s diary
saved by nostalgia
- ♡ was having an existential crisis. then decided instead to read poetry and diary entries on substack.
- ♡ honestly, discovering substack this week has been a joy. i just scroll my fyp & the creative magic simply finds me, effortlessly.
- ♡ i re-disocvered an interest in indie personal mini zines.
- ♡ parts of myself I’m reconnecting with are my Internet, teenage tumblr girl era of Y2K digitalcore tortured poet child self… the one who played neopets. and learned how to code her pet pages website with a neopets HTML tutorial.
- ♡ identity flash back: young internet girl little Nikki? social asf. bubbly, kind, curious, empathetic, cheeky, fun, lighthearted. not so freaking serious.
cognitive behavioral affirmations
- ♡ blocking was dramatic.
- ♡ i let myself get so hurt by the world.
- ♡ i abandoned myself for 20 years to please others and be liked.
- ♡ some environments made my nervous system feel like it had to audition for safety.
- ♡ i reacted from pain, but pain does not make me irredeemable.
- ♡ the playful version of me still exists underneath the masking.
- ♡ people pleasing kept me safe once, but i do not have to abandon myself forever.
- ♡ i deserve environments where my nervous system can unclench naturally.
zine
click to read my 1st zine or something →
nervous_system_field_notes_zine.pdf
zine note
substack inspired me to create my first zine in two days. imperfect as hell but you know what I did learn? how to do it better next time.
pinned zine page gallery
making folder
making things that do not need to be monetized.
side quests, hobbies, creating, blogging, writing.
all i wanna do is vibe code personal website projects from my the artist way book tasks. i just wanna chase this dopamine.
links
I’m just a cherry cola girl 🍒🥤🎀🤭
I’m just a cherry cola girl 🍒🥤🎀🤭
ft today's manic episode
In April 2026, my hairdresser was on maternity leave and my patience fully left the group chat. I started with grown-out calico hair, briefly attempted a pink neapolitan fantasy, pivoted into wine red, survived the brassy bang chapter, and eventually found my final form in chocolate cherry.
not a tutorial. not professional advice. just a girl, a box of dye, and a vision that changed several times.
grown out calico era
salon roots showingThe starting point was grown-out calico hair from the salon. Cute, but clearly entering “something needs to happen” territory.
first try: pink neapolitan
pink had other plansThe vision was pink neapolitan hair. The bleach/lift did not really lift, and the pink did not take the way it was supposed to.
full pivot: wine red
plot twist acceptedThe plan changed fast. Wine red/deep cherry red entered the chat. Permanent color from Sally’s went on, but the existing black calico pieces were not exactly cooperative. Pink front bangs were still technically part of the fantasy at this point.
styled shoot baddie mode
brassy bangs, big confidenceStyled shoot day. The bangs were giving yellowy/brassy weirdness because the pink refused to take, but somehow the energy was still baddie.
chocolate cherry redemption
final form unlockedFull-head box dye moment with L’Oreal Feria in Chocolate Cherry. This is where the cherry cola era finally clicked. Loved the final product.
items may or may not have been used responsibly.
cherry cola dashboard
hair decision audit
return to sender
cherry cola wrap-up
Soft conclusion: the April 2026 hair color archive was chaotic, the vision kept evolving, and somehow the final result still found her way home.
- hair grows
- patience is technically an option
- strand tests exist for a reason
- maternity leave made me do it
- chocolate cherry was the final form
- still cute though